I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
