so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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