I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
