If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
