high people should be assigned attendants
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
