Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
