first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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