Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
