the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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