Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
We smell like vodka and hangover
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