so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
