The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
