I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
