god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
