I didn't shave. On purpose
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
