So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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