every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
