Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
