i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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