I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I have feelings that need drinking.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
