If i come over, it means nothing
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
