How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
