i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
