his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize