I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
