i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
