apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize