I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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