plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize