I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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