I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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