I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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