new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
