The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
