conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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