I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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