i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
