I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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