Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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