is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
