It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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