i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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