He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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