Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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