Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
