just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
