I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
