i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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