i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
