smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
