my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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