More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
