i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
