i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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