oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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