we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
