I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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