Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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